Micromanaging: Take Two

By: Carol Maxym, Ph.D.

Introducing the Concept of Pronoun Disorder

I’m coming back to this topic because it is one of the most important and least recognized topics in modern child rearing. I will be bold and perhaps even harsh because I so much want to help you to understand the extreme risks of micromanaging.

Micromanaging is being a lazy parent. Yes, lazy. Now you will probably think that makes no sense at all because it takes so much of your energy, keeping everything together, running smoothly. Yes, it does. It creates a phony order out of what is ultimately chaos because your child is not gaining independence of action, thought, and emotion. Sorry. That’s the fact. Think about it.

You’ve probably heard the old Chinese proverb: Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you allow him to feed himself for life.

How does that relate to micromanaging your child(ren)? You can organize all your children’s homework each night. You can help them to do their larger projects. You can speak to the teacher when things aren’t working optimally or even at all. You can organize their schedules. You can remind and nag to obtain the results that you know are the good results. You can impose adult-level quality on every aspect of their lives…and what is going to happen when you aren’t there?

Are you providing one fish after another or teaching your child to fish?

I am continuously distressed to hear about parents needing to be more involved in their child’s education. No, no, no! You do not need to supervise what your child is learning and how he is doing. You do not need to micromanage school for your child. I have no doubt you will do a better job (you are an adult!) resulting in a higher quality end product. However, the end result of having a better product is the antithesis of meeting your child’s needs. Remember your child’s needs are more closely related to being able to become independent, honorable, productive in the adult world than to be imitating adult-level competence at the ripe age of 8 or 12 or 16.

Okay, I’m going to say it: Micromanaging is selfish. Yes, really, because it’s about you having the satisfaction of the end product instead of the pain and distress of waiting to see how your child will do if left on her own. It’s wanting adult-level quality for kid-level endeavors. It is easier to micromanage something than to teach how to do it, to wait for the learning to happen. (Learning rarely happens immediately).

Micromanaging is about you having instant gratification. Micromanaging is about you not having to bear the anxiety of your child not doing perfectly at the start…or even later.

Here is one way you can tell if you are micromanaging. Check out whether you have “Pronoun Disorder.” Pronoun Disorder is when you use the pronoun “we” when you should be saying “he” or “she.” Pronoun Disorder is when you say things like, “We’re applying to college.” Pronoun Disorder is when you think things like, “I know exactly how he’s feeling. I must ease it for him.”

Please reconsider whether the process or the end product is more important in the long run.