Intimidation

By: Carol Maxym Ph.D.

I was in Walmart today.  Waiting to check out, I heard the following conversation between a mom and her about 8-year-old son.

“I’ve already bought you…” and then she listed off about 10 toys she had purchased, she said,              in the last week.  “Isn’t that enough?” she asked.

 “No,” her son responded simply and pointedly.

Again she was on the defensive. 

“I just can’t afford it today.”

Her son walked over to a toy counter, from a marketing standpoint judiciously placed right there by the check out lines for kids to examine while their parents wait in line to pay.  The youngster found another toy (I think it was a Lego set) and placed it into the basket.

 “I don’t have the money for it,” the mother responded plaintively as her son turned the box   over to see the other side.

I don’t actually know for sure how that event turned out because it became my turn to check out and pay.  I so much wanted to say to the mom, “Don’t let him put you on the defensive.  Your goodness as a mom isn’t measured by how much you purchase.  In fact, your son will be better off if you teach him restraint, self-discipline, thoughtful instead of impulse purchasing.  Instant gratification isn’t helpful.”

I didn’t say any of that.  What do you think?  Should I have said something?  Would you have wanted someone to say something to you?

Is this Helping?

 By: Carol Maxym Ph.D.

A Very Simple Question:

Unlike just about everything else in life, I find that moms don’t tend to ask the “Is this helping?” as the primary and decisive question when looking for, continuing with, or thinking about, seeking or changing types or providers of help (therapists, psychologists, counselors, psychiatrists, tutors, coaches, etc..) 

Keep in mind, if the plumber doesn’t do a good job or the tailor or the car mechanic or the lawn guy, you change.  That’s what you should do if the therapy, counseling, coaching, medication isn’t helping. 

Simple, right?

Well, only if you have created criteria by means of which to evaluate.  You do know if the plumber fixed the leaky faucet, if your clothes fit better or the car is running.  

Can you know if the help is helping?  Yes, you can. 

I can’t tell you how many moms I’ve spoken with over the years who tell me they are seeing “the best therapist.  I really like him.  Morgan has been seeing him for years.”  My first question is always, “And have you seen improvement?”  Often, oh!  all too very often, the answer is, “Well, no....”  And I hear the confusion at the other end of the line because this mom, like so many other moms had never really allowed herself to ask the question, “Is this helping?”

Think about it:  If it isn’t helping either the professional isn’t whom you need or the problem has been oversimplified, jargonized, simply not been understood.  

We’ll be providing more and more information on how to do better to find your child the help each of you needs.

How To Boil A Frog

By: Carol Maxym Ph.D.

HOW TO BOIL A FROG:  RECIPE:

1.         Place frog in large pot of cool water.  Place pot on stove.

2.         Continue to heat slowly, being careful not to increase heat too rapidly.  Frog will acclimate 

            itself to the temperature and does not seek to escape to save itself.

3.         Continue cooking over slowly increasing heat until thoroughly cooked.

CAUTION:  Dropping the frog directly into boiling water, will cause it to

       jump right out to save itself.

HOW A TEEN BOILS A FAMILY:  RECIPE 

Using low but constant tension, agitating continuously:

1.         Intimidate and bully parents. 

2.         Making certain not to bring to a quick boil, carefully combine lies

with manipulations.  Add a pinch of need to be rescued.  

3.         Making sure to keep parents unaware of the increasing confusion,

pit parents against each other until they explode.  Be sure to allow

parents to justify, excuse, and rationalize the increasing chaos,

unhappiness, and failure.

CAUTION: If you act too precipitously, your family may realize what you

     are doing and react.