Micromanaging: A Lose-Lose Scenario

By: Carol Maxym, Ph.D.

I know. You are encouraged to micromanage your child. No one wants to say that, but there it is.

Kids who are already quite old enough to walk to school being walked to school by their parents (and parents carrying the back pack, walking back with the scooter that can’t be parked at the school but that the child really wants to ride). Micromanaging. Checking to see if there is homework assigned. Micromanaging. Checking to see if homework is completed and completed correctly. Micromanaging. Explaining and explaining. More subtle, yes, but still micromanaging. Helping your child to understand and live his/her emotions. Micromanaging because you aren’t so much helping as dong.

What can I say? If the shoe fits….

Micromanaging is when you become more concerned with the outcome than with the process. Micromanaging the growing-up process is dangerous and cannot be successful.

Micromanaging: One of the more dangerous modern methods of child rearing.

I’ve known so many mothers who are/were high-powered professionals who became major micromanagers of their kids. Why? Because it is a skill cultivated and honed in the working world. A good skill for the work world. Disaster for mothering.

Think about this: When you are/were employed outside the home, no matter what your job or profession, one thing you are always trying to do is anticipate problems so they don’t occur. If they do occur, whatever your position, you work to solve the problem and make certain it doesn’t reoccur. That’s what makes you a competent professional. Yes.

This is not a good skill for mothering or fathering. Raising kids isn’t a job. It’s a duty; it’s a part of your life. Jobs end at some time every day. Child rearing doesn’t. Using the skills that make you successful in your job or profession is generally quite dangerous.

Micromanaging takes over the growing up process. It disrupts the learning process your child must accomplish in order to become mature and independent. It is better to let your child fail a test or a class than to micromanage to achieve the end result you want. Think if forward: If you are micromanaging your child’s world, what happens later? Do you plan to micromanage at college (well, the sad fact is, I hear parents trying to do that all the time).

Here’s one thing I can predict: Kids who are micromanaged will find ways to thwart your micromanaging. They will avoid, go underground, become secretive, use drugs, become promiscuous…pretty dire? Yes. Kids will find ways to avoid your micromanaging and you are unlikely to like any of the ways they will find.

Your best bet? Don’t micromanage. Don’t concern yourself with the end result; concern yourself with the way your child gets there and what he/she can learn by engaging in the process.