People say that the expression OK dates
from the 18th Century. I was told, once upon a time, that
it was Millard Fillmore (a particularly uneducated President) who
first used the abbreviation. He was abbreviating Oll Korrect. Ok,
so his spelling wasn’t fabulous. He wasn’t much of a President
either. I’ve just looked in the dictionary which tells me that OK
was a humorous abbreviation for “Old Kinderhook” which was a
slogan from the 1840 Presidential campaign of Martin van Buren.
Interesting but not important.
This is important: Saying, “Okay?”
to your kids when you have given them a direction, suggestion, or
instruction is important, very important. It’s important because
asking “Okay?” is asking a child to assent to your statement—or
not, as the case may be. It asks a child to determine and decide if
what you have stated, instructed, requested is…well, okay with her.
It is giving a lot of power to a child. Power the child cannot
exercise with wisdom. Of course. This is a child not an adult.
I’m guessing you are saying, “No,
that’s not it. It’s different. I’m not asking for permission
to give a direction or instruction or whether my child wants to do
what I’ve said; no, I’m checking to see if he/she heard what I
said.” Ok (pardon the pun). It’s still a huge problem.
When you speak, you child is supposed
to pay attention. Why? Because you are the parent. Therefore, it
makes best sense if you assume that your child has heard what you’ve
said. If you need to check to see if your child has heard or rather
paid attention, you can be pretty certain your child is used to
having you repeat.
Just this afternoon I heard two parents
do the okay thing. One was to a 7-year old, the other to a toddler.
Neither child needed to be consulted. Each parent knew what he/she
was doing. Each child required a parent who doesn’t ask for
permission to tell the child what to do or what is happening next on
the daily program.
So often I hear desperation in a
parent’s voice when the okay question is asked. The question
implies your own questioning of your instruction or even explanation.
Your child will pick up on this. Do your child the favor of being
clear, concise, and firm when you tell him or her something. Asking
the okay question implies you aren’t sure. Your child needs you to
be sure. Your child needs to know who is driving the bus. Not being
sure is one of the subtle ways that kids become anxious.
Starting the okay question with little
ones just sets the stage for much bigger and less pleasant
discussions once your child is older and bigger. “No drinking
while you’re driving. Okay?”
Not asking the okay question is one of
the better ways to establish and maintain the authority you need to
have vis a vis your child. Remember, your child does need to know
who is driving the bus.
Please check yourself and anyone who
gives direction or instruction to your child(ren). Please think
carefully and a lot about the situation you set up for your child
when you ask, “Okay?” Remember that not only are you giving your
child the power you need to maintain in order to keep your child
safe, but you are asking your child to make a decision far beyond his
ability or maturity.
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