Boundaries are Beautiful

By: Carol Maxym, Ph.D.

I almost think I don’t have to write another word. Boundaries are beautiful, wonderful, helpful. Boundaries are different from threats. Threats always include the if/then continuum. Boundaries just say what you personally will accept.

Boundaries are not discussion points. Boundaries should not be drawn too quickly. Boundaries need to be considered. You are welcome to change boundaries, but it is not advisable for you to make boundaries moving goal posts.

Boundaries demonstrate self respect. Because boundaries demonstrate self respect, they can sometimes be challenging to others. That others find your boundaries to be challenging does not mean that you change them.

I am not suggesting you should be rigid. I am suggesting that you be clear with yourself and then with others about your boundaries. Other do not need to like your boundaries. Sometimes others will be fine (even better off) with your boundaries. Other times your boundaries may upset, annoy, anger other. Your boundaries should helpful in structuring your life, both practically and emotionally. Remember, boundaries clarify—for you and for others.

Here is a boundary: You may not speak to me that way. This is not followed by a threat. It is enforced by the intensity with which it is uttered. If you are new to setting boundaries, that intensity may be difficult to display. You’ll get better with practice. Remember, your boundaries are not up for negotiation.

Threats have many disadvantages: If you don’t carry out your threat, all subsequent threats become weak and irrelevant. Threats always imply what I call ‘the measuring stick.’ When you threaten, the person (whether your child, spouse, the airline representative, etc.) always thinks quickly whether whatever you are threatening is all that terrible and/or if could can carry it out anyway. Often it isn’t or you can’t/won’t, so again, the threat becomes weak and irrelevant. Remember that you probably won’t carry out any really dire threat, so don’t make it.

Instead set boundaries. You can never really control someone else’s behavior. You can always control your own. You may be able to influence someone else’s attitudes; you are always able to influence your own.

Boundaries are just statements of how you choose to be in the world. Boundaries can be irrational and create more problems. Boundaries can be concise, clear, rational, and demonstrative of your best self.

Suggestion: Take a few minutes now—or later in the day when you are stopped at a red light, caught in traffic, waiting for your kids, on hold with someone, and think about boundaries. Then think about your boundaries—the ones you need to create and enforce for yourself.