The Terrible Power of Frustration

By: Carol Maxym Ph.D.

Professionally as well as personally I am generally known as a pretty tough cookie.  I’ve seen a lot of the world, experienced a lot, worked with a lot of kids and families.  I don’t blink that easily.  And last week, after two weeks of idiotic (I just stopped to make sure I wanted to use that word and I found I did) and ridiculous, pointless bureaucratic runaround I was brought to tears.  Tears of utter and complete frustration.

The cause?  I wanted to open a bank account.  No big deal, you say.  So I would have thought.  But no.  It took me 19 days to open a bank account—at a bank where I already have three accounts.  Is this because I have bad credit?  No, that was never checked.  Because I have a police record?  No, no one ever asked about that.  No, the issue had to do with…h’mmm.  I’m not sure because no one could ever really tell me.  There were just hoops to jump through and the hoops kept changing.  Whatever I did one day wasn’t good enough for the next day’s hoop.

I have been a customer of the bank where I wanted to open a bank account for 13 years.  I have three accounts at that bank, all in good standing.  I have never had an overdraft.  I have been the model customer.  Did that matter?  Apparently not.  Why?  Well, after talking to one person, then another, then another, then still another, and another, I finally learned that one part of the bank cannot or does not communicate with the other part of the bank.  Perhaps that makes sense, but I am mystified as to why.  It must have something to do with “too big to fail”…

After submitting my application, I waited four or five days then received an e-mail stating that I needed to e-mail a document to the bank.  I did so immediately.  Then several days later I received a mysterious communication (that contradicted the other communication I received simultaneously) that I had to call a number at the bank.  Again, I complied,   There I learned that I needed to produce my telephone bill.  My telephone bill?  Yes.  Now if I were a bit more modern and did not still have a land line, I would have hit a complete stumbling block.

Okay, I won’t bore you with the rest of the saga that finally culminated this very morning with my having my new bank account.  My point is the level of frustration, the time and energy I spent trying to do a simple, everyday yet necessary task.

I’ve had some bad luck recently with a $15 credit card charge somehow turning into $15,000.  Now everyone involved agreed that it was a mistake.  However, it still took approximately 15 phone calls (usually getting different information from the last phone call) and FIVE weeks to correct the mistake. Hearing the scripted, insincere apologies from the people with whom I spoke on the phone frankly increased my frustration because an apology is supposed to have meaning. Again, frustration, time and energy wasted--mine as well as all the people who spent their work day dealing with this made-up problem and my mounting frustration.  Can that be a cost effective way to do business?  Maybe, but I can’t figure out how. 

Am I alone dealing with modern everyday frustration of talking to computers, to people who are only able or allowed to read from scripts that usually don’t have anything to do with the problem at hand? Am I alone?  I sincerely doubt it.  Well, I know I’m not.  

How much frustration do we wish to cause each other in our world?  How much frustration can any one of us actually tolerate before we break?  And what do those breaks look like?  

Important questions, I think.

This isn't a Job!

By: Carol Maxym, Ph.D.

I hear people talking about mothering or fathering—parenting—as a “job” all the time. A

job has a start time and end time. Not so with being a parent. A job pays you. Not so with being a parent. You can retire from a job or look for a new one. Not the way it is for parents. You can get fired from a job—and even if there are times you feel you might like to be fired from being a parent, it just doesn’t work that way. You can get promoted in a job. No promotions in the parent world.

Being a parent isn’t a job. It’s a duty. A sacred duty. Once you become a parent, it lasts your lifetime. That’s part of what makes it so wonderful, so daunting, so joyous, so frightening. And, as you know, no one and nothing can bring you joy or pain like your child.

So why am I saying all this? Because I think in the midst of the day-long, day-to-day routine and all the advice that comes your way, it is easy lose track of the lifelong duty side of being a parent.

When my daughter had her first child and felt a bit overwhelmed with all there was to do (as do most mothers and fathers), I told her that I had learned from experience that one grows into being a mother or father. As the child grows, so do you as the parent. Recently she referenced that conversation to tell me how true was my statement. As a parent you grow and grow and mature, just as your child does.

Part of my goal for this blog is to help you to think, rethink, consider, reconsider, to be thoughtful and questioning while yet wise and decisive. Seldom will I give you specific advice, “Do this” or “Do that.” There’s too much of that out there already, and you and I both know it doesn’t work. Instead I’ll work to try to help you to be a wiser mom or dad.

I hope that most days you’ll spend about five minutes with me, then think about what you’ve read in those few spare moments you have.

A few years ago a client told me about a sermon her pastor had given in which he said to welcome the red lights you wait for in traffic because it is the only time in your day when you really can’t do anything but wait, so you might as well treasure the time, use it to think, to reconsider, to muse. I hope you’ll have and enjoy one red light today.

Micromanaging: Take Two

By: Carol Maxym, Ph.D.

Introducing the Concept of Pronoun Disorder

I’m coming back to this topic because it is one of the most important and least recognized topics in modern child rearing. I will be bold and perhaps even harsh because I so much want to help you to understand the extreme risks of micromanaging.

Micromanaging is being a lazy parent. Yes, lazy. Now you will probably think that makes no sense at all because it takes so much of your energy, keeping everything together, running smoothly. Yes, it does. It creates a phony order out of what is ultimately chaos because your child is not gaining independence of action, thought, and emotion. Sorry. That’s the fact. Think about it.

You’ve probably heard the old Chinese proverb: Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you allow him to feed himself for life.

How does that relate to micromanaging your child(ren)? You can organize all your children’s homework each night. You can help them to do their larger projects. You can speak to the teacher when things aren’t working optimally or even at all. You can organize their schedules. You can remind and nag to obtain the results that you know are the good results. You can impose adult-level quality on every aspect of their lives…and what is going to happen when you aren’t there?

Are you providing one fish after another or teaching your child to fish?

I am continuously distressed to hear about parents needing to be more involved in their child’s education. No, no, no! You do not need to supervise what your child is learning and how he is doing. You do not need to micromanage school for your child. I have no doubt you will do a better job (you are an adult!) resulting in a higher quality end product. However, the end result of having a better product is the antithesis of meeting your child’s needs. Remember your child’s needs are more closely related to being able to become independent, honorable, productive in the adult world than to be imitating adult-level competence at the ripe age of 8 or 12 or 16.

Okay, I’m going to say it: Micromanaging is selfish. Yes, really, because it’s about you having the satisfaction of the end product instead of the pain and distress of waiting to see how your child will do if left on her own. It’s wanting adult-level quality for kid-level endeavors. It is easier to micromanage something than to teach how to do it, to wait for the learning to happen. (Learning rarely happens immediately).

Micromanaging is about you having instant gratification. Micromanaging is about you not having to bear the anxiety of your child not doing perfectly at the start…or even later.

Here is one way you can tell if you are micromanaging. Check out whether you have “Pronoun Disorder.” Pronoun Disorder is when you use the pronoun “we” when you should be saying “he” or “she.” Pronoun Disorder is when you say things like, “We’re applying to college.” Pronoun Disorder is when you think things like, “I know exactly how he’s feeling. I must ease it for him.”

Please reconsider whether the process or the end product is more important in the long run.

Boundaries are Beautiful

By: Carol Maxym, Ph.D.

I almost think I don’t have to write another word. Boundaries are beautiful, wonderful, helpful. Boundaries are different from threats. Threats always include the if/then continuum. Boundaries just say what you personally will accept.

Boundaries are not discussion points. Boundaries should not be drawn too quickly. Boundaries need to be considered. You are welcome to change boundaries, but it is not advisable for you to make boundaries moving goal posts.

Boundaries demonstrate self respect. Because boundaries demonstrate self respect, they can sometimes be challenging to others. That others find your boundaries to be challenging does not mean that you change them.

I am not suggesting you should be rigid. I am suggesting that you be clear with yourself and then with others about your boundaries. Other do not need to like your boundaries. Sometimes others will be fine (even better off) with your boundaries. Other times your boundaries may upset, annoy, anger other. Your boundaries should helpful in structuring your life, both practically and emotionally. Remember, boundaries clarify—for you and for others.

Here is a boundary: You may not speak to me that way. This is not followed by a threat. It is enforced by the intensity with which it is uttered. If you are new to setting boundaries, that intensity may be difficult to display. You’ll get better with practice. Remember, your boundaries are not up for negotiation.

Threats have many disadvantages: If you don’t carry out your threat, all subsequent threats become weak and irrelevant. Threats always imply what I call ‘the measuring stick.’ When you threaten, the person (whether your child, spouse, the airline representative, etc.) always thinks quickly whether whatever you are threatening is all that terrible and/or if could can carry it out anyway. Often it isn’t or you can’t/won’t, so again, the threat becomes weak and irrelevant. Remember that you probably won’t carry out any really dire threat, so don’t make it.

Instead set boundaries. You can never really control someone else’s behavior. You can always control your own. You may be able to influence someone else’s attitudes; you are always able to influence your own.

Boundaries are just statements of how you choose to be in the world. Boundaries can be irrational and create more problems. Boundaries can be concise, clear, rational, and demonstrative of your best self.

Suggestion: Take a few minutes now—or later in the day when you are stopped at a red light, caught in traffic, waiting for your kids, on hold with someone, and think about boundaries. Then think about your boundaries—the ones you need to create and enforce for yourself.