What a joy today to be able to watch a
dad be such a cool dad to his two sons. He was funny, loving,
playful, directive—very directive—clear in his communications to
his sons. He didn’t say “awesome” even one time. He didn’t
overpraise, not once. Once when one of the two boys (three and four,
I would guess) didn’t quite obey (yes, obey! imagine using that
word!), he simply stared the boy down. Because his son already
respected his dad and dad’s authority, it worked well.
He was playing a bit rough with
them—good boy-kind of rough play. One of the boys was “scared”;
the dad didn’t let it go. He asked why but didn’t hang on
getting some sort of pretend-reasonable/rational explanation from a
four-year old. Later one of the boys wanted to “give up.” Yay
for the dad who didn’t ask why or try to cajole him. Yay for the
dad who simply advised, “Don’t give up. Don’t ever give up.”
Yay for the dad who never raised his voice because he had
established his knowledge, authority, and that he provided safety for
his sons.
And, sadly, I need to contrast with the
dad I saw yesterday. Since it was raining, and I go nuts if I don’t
get exercise, I was walking in an indoor mall. I mean, you do the
best you can, right? In came a dad with a very pretty little
daughter—probably four. She was all dressed up in a darling dress
with a little sequined bag. As they entered the mall, dad said, “So,
what store do you want to go to? You choose.” He stood back to
give her the run of the mall. Really. She is four. Four years old.
How could she possibly make such a choice?
This is a perfect example of the
problem of giving kids choices way beyond their years and
development. What would any four-year old do with such an
invitation? Well, exactly what she did. Get excited, overly
excited, and start running around. To some she may have seemed
really happy because she could do whatever she wished. To me she
seemed mainly overwhelmed with having to try to do what her dad asked
her to do: Choose what store(s) to go into. She was trying to please
her father. He was trying to please her, I am quite sure. He
wanted, I am guessing, to make her happy.
Overwhelming a
child with choices is not a way to make the child happy. It is a way
to make a child anxious and overwhelmed, no matter how good a
parent’s motives.
Instead, he could have taken her hand
and walked with her to whatever store(s) they wanted or needed to
visit, made their purchase(s) and gone home with, in fact, much less
anxiety for this pretty little girl.
I do not ascribe anything but good
motives to the dad. I wish, rather, simply to note again and with
this specific example how important it is to tailor choices to a
child’s age, maturity, and actual, real, demonstrable ability to
make the choice being offered.
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