One of the really fun parts of writing
a blog is that you get to rail on about your pet peeves and then find
out if anyone else agrees. So, here goes!
How people say what they want to say—or
don’t really say—is an underappreciated issue, I think. Do you
notice how seldom people speak clearly? I do. Frankly it annoys me.
How often do you hear (especially from your teen), ‘ya know what I
mean?’? It is an interesting concept, really: Instead of the teen
being responsible for saying what she/he means, I am supposed to
understand and/or interpret. That also implies that I will do the
thinking, the focusing, the clarifying of the thought, question,
feeling. Further (and very manipulatively), the teen gets to hear
what I think and can then react, change, agree, disagree, argue,
etc.—all without ever having to state clearly and concisely what
he/she means. An interesting lack of responsibility and
accountability. And, if my guess of what he/she means is wrong,
well, then, I don’t understand and the blame can go to me.
Convenient. Icky. Non-productive.
Even more annoying, however, is the
terrible word like which has come to pervade our language. No
one ‘says’ or ‘said’ or ‘thought’ or ‘wondering’ or
‘surmised’ etc., rather one was just ‘like’—not actually
was this or that, just ‘like’ it. I was just standing waiting to
board the plane from which I am writing this. Two 20-ish employees
were discussing their lives (because one discusses one’s life all
the time, everywhere, with one’s job being the secondary function
of being at work). Every other word was ‘like’.
“So, like, ya know what I mean?”
“Yeah, yeah. Like, yeah.” That’s a direct quote. Really. And
somehow that passes for communication.
Then there is my ultimate favorite.
“So, I’m like…” followed by a grunt or a facial expression.
A variation on that theme is, “So, I’m like ohmygod” which is
also supposed to communicate something. The beauty of all these
statements is that they can be interpreted to mean or imply almost
anything. Again, the responsibility for saying what one means is
eliminated.
My grandson used to do the “I’m
like” thing at me. I told him to use his words, to say something
with some meaning. He argued with me, telling me that kids always
communicate that way. I stood my ground.
He was in the midst of reading Harry
Potter, so I suggested to him that J.K. Rawlings should probably have
written the book in this fashion: “So, like, Harry, was like…”
never bothering to describe, explain, narrate. Just say that one
thing was ‘like’ and another character said, ‘like, like…’
Truly, that was the end of the “So I’m like” statements from my
grandson. He had seen the value of words.
If we don’t require kids to speak
clearly, succinctly, concisely, thoughtfully, then how can we expect
them to learn to do so—and to take responsibility for communication
with content? If we as adults (and therapists, in their effort to
demonstrate empathy, are so guilty of not holding this line with
clear communication) do not hold kids to higher standards of
self-expression, how can we expect them to learn to know what they
mean, to communicate with meaning, and to become accountable and
responsible for their words, thoughts, feelings, and actions?
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