It’s Not A Competition

By: Carol Maxym Ph.D.

When I was a kid, I remember noticing that my parents used my brother’s many successes as what I then called to myself “Parent Badges”.  He was very smart, so that meant they were smart also.  He won all sorts of competitions, so, in effect, they did, too.  They bragged about him whenever they could (particularly when they could seem not to be bragging).   For any of you who know I Love Lucy (and if you don’t know that TV comedy series, I urge you to have a look at it.  If you can watch one episode and not laugh gleefully, please do let me know), you may remember the episodes where Lucy and Ricky get into (or try to avoid) bragging competitions with their best friends about which son is cuter and smarter and learning more things earlier.

I didn’t have so many overt successes as my brother, so I didn’t provide much in the Parent Badge department.  However when I did, I kept my triumphs to myself because I couldn’t bear the thought of my parents using my successes as their Parent Badges.  Somehow it seemed to me to take away from my hard work if they took it as their own.  Was I too sensitive?  What do you think?

As a mom, I shied away from talking about my kids very much or carrying their photos because I couldn’t bear the idea that someone might think I was bragging.  I never even kept photos in my office because I didn’t want to be asked questions that would lead me to have to talk about my daughters who accomplished much.  Perhaps I carried it all a bit too far.

Being a mom or a dad is about guiding and teaching and loving and connecting, not getting or seeking validation for yourself.  Perhaps ‘parenting’ has become something of a competition—thinking back to I Love Lucy, I guess it always was.  Perhaps that is a part of the reason I have never liked the verb “to parent.’  Your child desires your good opinion, your praise—even if he/she doesn’t want to show it.  If you use your child’s success as your Parent Badge, you take away from the connection, the relationship becomes it takes on a hint of contingency.

And then there is yet another aspect to the competition: things, buying things.  What happens to a child’s self-respect, to his/her soul when your ability to provide more and more things for status becomes a part of your child’s actual belief in his/her self worth?  Is any child better or better off for having more things than other kids—or even for being able to keep up with what other kids have or can get.  And, yes, I acknowledge that I am writing this in the midst of the Christmas/Channukah buying season/frenzy. 

When I talk to parents whose child is not doing well, they often want to know if they are to blame for the problems.  That is such a complex and complicated question.  Parents always make mistakes—that’s jus a part of the deal.  Making mistakes is not the same as “causing” your child’s problems.  And the opposite is also true.  When your child succeeds at school or sports or in the school play or the marching band, you’ve certainly helped but you haven’t done it. 

Being a parent is never about the parent.  It’s always about the child.  However that very specifically does not mean that your child should become the center of your world or that you should teach your child the false and dangerous belief that he/she is the center of the world.

So, what’s the point here?  Perspective mainly,  and the same old thing I’ve written about so many times.  Being a mother or a father is about teaching, guiding, loving, connecting.  Being a parent isn’t about the bragging rights but about helping your child learn to be a productive, caring, generous, honest citizen (which is the best recipe for happiness I know).  However much you can help your child to become that person, you gain [silent] bragging rights—and a little peace and quiet in your later years.

Intimidation

By: Carol Maxym Ph.D.

I was in Walmart today.  Waiting to check out, I heard the following conversation between a mom and her about 8-year-old son.

“I’ve already bought you…” and then she listed off about 10 toys she had purchased, she said,              in the last week.  “Isn’t that enough?” she asked.

 “No,” her son responded simply and pointedly.

Again she was on the defensive. 

“I just can’t afford it today.”

Her son walked over to a toy counter, from a marketing standpoint judiciously placed right there by the check out lines for kids to examine while their parents wait in line to pay.  The youngster found another toy (I think it was a Lego set) and placed it into the basket.

 “I don’t have the money for it,” the mother responded plaintively as her son turned the box   over to see the other side.

I don’t actually know for sure how that event turned out because it became my turn to check out and pay.  I so much wanted to say to the mom, “Don’t let him put you on the defensive.  Your goodness as a mom isn’t measured by how much you purchase.  In fact, your son will be better off if you teach him restraint, self-discipline, thoughtful instead of impulse purchasing.  Instant gratification isn’t helpful.”

I didn’t say any of that.  What do you think?  Should I have said something?  Would you have wanted someone to say something to you?

Is this Helping?

 By: Carol Maxym Ph.D.

A Very Simple Question:

Unlike just about everything else in life, I find that moms don’t tend to ask the “Is this helping?” as the primary and decisive question when looking for, continuing with, or thinking about, seeking or changing types or providers of help (therapists, psychologists, counselors, psychiatrists, tutors, coaches, etc..) 

Keep in mind, if the plumber doesn’t do a good job or the tailor or the car mechanic or the lawn guy, you change.  That’s what you should do if the therapy, counseling, coaching, medication isn’t helping. 

Simple, right?

Well, only if you have created criteria by means of which to evaluate.  You do know if the plumber fixed the leaky faucet, if your clothes fit better or the car is running.  

Can you know if the help is helping?  Yes, you can. 

I can’t tell you how many moms I’ve spoken with over the years who tell me they are seeing “the best therapist.  I really like him.  Morgan has been seeing him for years.”  My first question is always, “And have you seen improvement?”  Often, oh!  all too very often, the answer is, “Well, no....”  And I hear the confusion at the other end of the line because this mom, like so many other moms had never really allowed herself to ask the question, “Is this helping?”

Think about it:  If it isn’t helping either the professional isn’t whom you need or the problem has been oversimplified, jargonized, simply not been understood.  

We’ll be providing more and more information on how to do better to find your child the help each of you needs.

How To Boil A Frog

By: Carol Maxym Ph.D.

HOW TO BOIL A FROG:  RECIPE:

1.         Place frog in large pot of cool water.  Place pot on stove.

2.         Continue to heat slowly, being careful not to increase heat too rapidly.  Frog will acclimate 

            itself to the temperature and does not seek to escape to save itself.

3.         Continue cooking over slowly increasing heat until thoroughly cooked.

CAUTION:  Dropping the frog directly into boiling water, will cause it to

       jump right out to save itself.

HOW A TEEN BOILS A FAMILY:  RECIPE 

Using low but constant tension, agitating continuously:

1.         Intimidate and bully parents. 

2.         Making certain not to bring to a quick boil, carefully combine lies

with manipulations.  Add a pinch of need to be rescued.  

3.         Making sure to keep parents unaware of the increasing confusion,

pit parents against each other until they explode.  Be sure to allow

parents to justify, excuse, and rationalize the increasing chaos,

unhappiness, and failure.

CAUTION: If you act too precipitously, your family may realize what you

     are doing and react.

Don't "Like" Facebook

By: Carol Maxym Ph.D.

I wrote this two months ago when the scandal regarding Facebook’s non-disclosed reasarch was making news.  Like most news, it disappeared quickly enough.  I found myself taking an unplanned sabbatical from writing and just now rediscover this not-a-blog.  I think the points are still important, so we’ll post it.

***********************

It’s all over the Internet today. http://www.bbc.com/news/technology-28051930    Facebook manipulating the news feed to see if they can manipulate you.  Oh, shame, shame, shame.  Facebook has shown its true colors today.  So, I’ve read some of the commentary, and most of it is thoughtful as well as thought provoking.

However, I will simplify.  There is absolutely no way to justify Facebook’s ethical lapse.  It just can’t be justified.  Twist yourself into a pretzel three times over, and there remains no way that any agreement to the Terms of Use or Privacy Policy can include attempting to manipulate user’s emotions.  I mean, for those of you who haven’t studied psychology, there is a long and nasty history of lying to people to engage them surreptitiously into research.  Ethical psychologists don’t do that anymore.  There just isn’t anything else that needs to be said about it.

Even more important, however, is the whole point of psychologists wanting to do this sort of research to prove….what, exactly.  To prove that if people hear happy things they tend to be happier.  I mean really.  When I see stuff like that I think of the definition I have sometimes been forced to offer for psychology:  The study of the bleeding obvious.

Unless (??) Facebook is hiding something else (and that surely might be the case,,,) there is no revelation at all in the research,  If they are hiding other intrusions into their member’s emotions, then again and again shame and more shame. 

Is it worse than the emotional manipulation of advertising and its accompanying music?

Several clients sent me links to two “studies” that were commented on in Sunday’s New York Times. 

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/06/23/cool-at-13-adrift-at-23/?_php=true&_type=blogs&emc=edit_hh_20140624&nl=health&nlid=60565538&_r=0

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/06/29/opinion/sunday/why-teenagers-act-crazy.html?_r=0

The most important point to notice in each of the articles is how silly they are.  Have you ever heard the adage that the coolest people in high school reached their pinnacle in high school?  Well, here is “research” to substantiate it.  Yippee??? 

And the other article about teens “acting crazy.”  Oh, come on!  Could someone please inform the author that teens in different times and places have acted (and do act) quite differently, so the facile conclusions about brain development don’t really hit the mark. Perhaps that research would benefit from a look at the context of US adolescence living in their world before making neurological assertions.  Perhaps someone might want to consider if the soldiers who landed on Normandy Beach only did so because they were neurologically not yet developed.  Character, courage, duty, patriotism, caring…

So, today is a day to remember that Facebook isn’t really your friend at all.  And to notice how empty so much psychological research really is.

There is such a thing as important psychological research.  I would hope to see more of it discussed in the media—and discussed intelligently not as though we’ve suddenly found a new way to slice bread.

And YAY for the mom I met while walking today who reminded her four-year-old daughter that she must be aware of other people as she is walking.  Well done, Mom!

What are you thinking about today?

This Is Not A Blog!

By Carol Maxym, Ph. D.

A kind friend gave me a lesson in blogging.  I am grateful.  However, the result is the clear knowledge that I am not writing a blog.  I thought I was which is why I decided what I wrote should be hosted on Blogspot.  I was wrong  Oh, well.

I understand that to do a blog properly, I am supposed to tell you the point of whatever I’m saying in the first paragraph.  Well, sometimes I will; other times I won’t because it won’t make sense.  I will always try to make sense.

I am told that blogwisdom states that if I expect you to spend five minutes reading here and think about what is being written, I am just plain old fashioned.  Ok.  I have more respect and trust in parents than that!  AND, although I recognize that we all have a bit less focus than we used to, I do not accept the premise that people are stupider than they used to be and can only mentally digest pablum.

If I am wrong and no one has the patience to stay on this page for more than 30 seconds, then I know you and I will never really communicate.  I wish you well.

I’ve been a parent for a really long time now, and I’ve worked professionally with parents for a long time.  When I published Teens in Turmoil, I broke the rule of ‘write vanilla, pretend to have all the answers (even though you know you don’t)’.  Indeed, had I followed that advice, more copies might have sold and perhaps I would be a TV pundit now.  I have no regrets.  I’ve had too many parents tell me that Teens in Turmoil was the only book they had read that actually helped them.  That’s more than enough for me.  I’ve no wish and no need to be the pundit who offers empty words every time there is a teen tragedy. 

So, this isn’t a blog.  This is a place on the Internet where you can come often to find thoughtful and thought-provoking articles.  It shouldn’t take you more than about five minutes to read any day’s article.  How long you spend thinking about it is your choice.

I hope you’ll leave comments, polite comments, even if you violently disagree.  I hope you’ll leave thoughtful comments that will help another parent or grandparent.

The help that helps (THTH—try saying it, just for fun). is what it is.  Perhaps one day I’ll come up with a new word like blarticle to give it a type casting. THTH is for thoughtful parents and grandparents, teachers, therapists.  If you are looking for the one magic bullet, this isn’t the right place for you.  (Well, if you think there is one, good luck finding it!) 

Most important changes start with the thinkers.  That’s because they’re thinking.  Their thoughts are transformed by others who actualize the thoughts.  I hope both groups will read here on a regular basis, pass it on to others whom they know to be thoughtful or to those who are the actualizers of thought. 

More than twenty years ago when I left one life and set out upon another, a dear lady, long since deceased, bade me good-bye and good wishes for my journey with this word:  “Godspeed.”

Selfies, Take Two

By: Carol Maxym, Ph.D.

“Teens Post Selfies At Auschwitz In Controversial Facebook Group”

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/07/07/selfies-at-auschwitz_n_5564106.html?m=true

Narcissism run rampant.  Historical context absent.   Kids taking selfies at Auschwitz.  This receives and deserves no further commentary.

Think about it.