Happy Helicoptering

By Carol Maxym Ph.D.

Or, what do you get out of helicoptering?

I've just asked you a really hard question.  What do you get out of helicoptering?  Probably your first reaction will be to begin to list all the reasons why you must helicopter.  Slow down, please.  Read on and give yourself a chance to think it through in a different way.

Professional Mothering is the term I've coined to describe one of the main ways modern moms get caught in helicoptering  

In your job anticipating problems is a good thing.  Solving problems immediately is a very good thing.  Preventing problems adds real value to you as an employee or as a professional.  Having things well organized—another plus in the working world.  Tying up all the lose ends—another asset.  Rescuing your boss from a giant gaffe—big time good in the professional world.
Here’s the rub:  Doing all those things as a mother?  Yeah, no.  Not helpful.  Really.

There are so many “soccer moms” today who have a great education, many years of professional success before deciding to become moms.  Please don’t take this the wrong way, moms, but there are certainly ways, times when being a mom is very boring.  Very unstimulating.  You wonder what that great education was for.  I remember that very well from my days as a young mother.  Mothering just isn't always intellectually stimulating,  Mothering often isn't exciting.  Mothering rarely provides a sense of immediate success or reward—the kind that does occur in the work world.  Frankly, it’s seldom that anyone really thanks you (certainly not your toddler who cannot understand) or pays real and authentic tribute to what you do all day.

There is no respite from mothering.  You are on duty 24/7 for years and years.
So, mothers, let’s face it:  You look for something to do, something stimulating, something you can really sink your teeth into.  You are trying to bring into your mothering world the parts of your professional world that you really liked, that kept you stimulated.  Understandable.  The question is more if it is useful.

Helicoptering is one of the ways to feel busy, useful, important.  The more you helicopter, the more your child [appears to] needs you, so the more you have to do.  I mean, if he’s forgotten his lunch, well, you must take it to him.  Same goes for homework.  And what about the project for science?  Getting her ready for camp—certainly she can’t pack her own things.  She wouldn't know how.
Here’s the deal:  Your child will never learn how to be independent and highly functional if you helicopter.  As you child feels less than competent because he/she isn't as competent as you are (well, of course—you are an adult, you child is…well, a child), anxiety can take hold because your child cannot feel competent to do whatever the task, remember what needs to be remembered, take care of whatever needs to be taken care of.

So, I’ll be really blunt:  Helicoptering is selfish and it isn't good mothering (or fathering).

Think about it.