Don't "Like" Facebook

By: Carol Maxym Ph.D.

I wrote this two months ago when the scandal regarding Facebook’s non-disclosed reasarch was making news.  Like most news, it disappeared quickly enough.  I found myself taking an unplanned sabbatical from writing and just now rediscover this not-a-blog.  I think the points are still important, so we’ll post it.

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It’s all over the Internet today. http://www.bbc.com/news/technology-28051930    Facebook manipulating the news feed to see if they can manipulate you.  Oh, shame, shame, shame.  Facebook has shown its true colors today.  So, I’ve read some of the commentary, and most of it is thoughtful as well as thought provoking.

However, I will simplify.  There is absolutely no way to justify Facebook’s ethical lapse.  It just can’t be justified.  Twist yourself into a pretzel three times over, and there remains no way that any agreement to the Terms of Use or Privacy Policy can include attempting to manipulate user’s emotions.  I mean, for those of you who haven’t studied psychology, there is a long and nasty history of lying to people to engage them surreptitiously into research.  Ethical psychologists don’t do that anymore.  There just isn’t anything else that needs to be said about it.

Even more important, however, is the whole point of psychologists wanting to do this sort of research to prove….what, exactly.  To prove that if people hear happy things they tend to be happier.  I mean really.  When I see stuff like that I think of the definition I have sometimes been forced to offer for psychology:  The study of the bleeding obvious.

Unless (??) Facebook is hiding something else (and that surely might be the case,,,) there is no revelation at all in the research,  If they are hiding other intrusions into their member’s emotions, then again and again shame and more shame. 

Is it worse than the emotional manipulation of advertising and its accompanying music?

Several clients sent me links to two “studies” that were commented on in Sunday’s New York Times. 

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/06/23/cool-at-13-adrift-at-23/?_php=true&_type=blogs&emc=edit_hh_20140624&nl=health&nlid=60565538&_r=0

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/06/29/opinion/sunday/why-teenagers-act-crazy.html?_r=0

The most important point to notice in each of the articles is how silly they are.  Have you ever heard the adage that the coolest people in high school reached their pinnacle in high school?  Well, here is “research” to substantiate it.  Yippee??? 

And the other article about teens “acting crazy.”  Oh, come on!  Could someone please inform the author that teens in different times and places have acted (and do act) quite differently, so the facile conclusions about brain development don’t really hit the mark. Perhaps that research would benefit from a look at the context of US adolescence living in their world before making neurological assertions.  Perhaps someone might want to consider if the soldiers who landed on Normandy Beach only did so because they were neurologically not yet developed.  Character, courage, duty, patriotism, caring…

So, today is a day to remember that Facebook isn’t really your friend at all.  And to notice how empty so much psychological research really is.

There is such a thing as important psychological research.  I would hope to see more of it discussed in the media—and discussed intelligently not as though we’ve suddenly found a new way to slice bread.

And YAY for the mom I met while walking today who reminded her four-year-old daughter that she must be aware of other people as she is walking.  Well done, Mom!

What are you thinking about today?

This Is Not A Blog!

By Carol Maxym, Ph. D.

A kind friend gave me a lesson in blogging.  I am grateful.  However, the result is the clear knowledge that I am not writing a blog.  I thought I was which is why I decided what I wrote should be hosted on Blogspot.  I was wrong  Oh, well.

I understand that to do a blog properly, I am supposed to tell you the point of whatever I’m saying in the first paragraph.  Well, sometimes I will; other times I won’t because it won’t make sense.  I will always try to make sense.

I am told that blogwisdom states that if I expect you to spend five minutes reading here and think about what is being written, I am just plain old fashioned.  Ok.  I have more respect and trust in parents than that!  AND, although I recognize that we all have a bit less focus than we used to, I do not accept the premise that people are stupider than they used to be and can only mentally digest pablum.

If I am wrong and no one has the patience to stay on this page for more than 30 seconds, then I know you and I will never really communicate.  I wish you well.

I’ve been a parent for a really long time now, and I’ve worked professionally with parents for a long time.  When I published Teens in Turmoil, I broke the rule of ‘write vanilla, pretend to have all the answers (even though you know you don’t)’.  Indeed, had I followed that advice, more copies might have sold and perhaps I would be a TV pundit now.  I have no regrets.  I’ve had too many parents tell me that Teens in Turmoil was the only book they had read that actually helped them.  That’s more than enough for me.  I’ve no wish and no need to be the pundit who offers empty words every time there is a teen tragedy. 

So, this isn’t a blog.  This is a place on the Internet where you can come often to find thoughtful and thought-provoking articles.  It shouldn’t take you more than about five minutes to read any day’s article.  How long you spend thinking about it is your choice.

I hope you’ll leave comments, polite comments, even if you violently disagree.  I hope you’ll leave thoughtful comments that will help another parent or grandparent.

The help that helps (THTH—try saying it, just for fun). is what it is.  Perhaps one day I’ll come up with a new word like blarticle to give it a type casting. THTH is for thoughtful parents and grandparents, teachers, therapists.  If you are looking for the one magic bullet, this isn’t the right place for you.  (Well, if you think there is one, good luck finding it!) 

Most important changes start with the thinkers.  That’s because they’re thinking.  Their thoughts are transformed by others who actualize the thoughts.  I hope both groups will read here on a regular basis, pass it on to others whom they know to be thoughtful or to those who are the actualizers of thought. 

More than twenty years ago when I left one life and set out upon another, a dear lady, long since deceased, bade me good-bye and good wishes for my journey with this word:  “Godspeed.”

Selfies, Take Two

By: Carol Maxym, Ph.D.

“Teens Post Selfies At Auschwitz In Controversial Facebook Group”

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/07/07/selfies-at-auschwitz_n_5564106.html?m=true

Narcissism run rampant.  Historical context absent.   Kids taking selfies at Auschwitz.  This receives and deserves no further commentary.

Think about it.

Explanations

By: Carol Maxym, Ph.D.

I know that lots of experts tell you to explain to your child what you are doing to prove that it makes sense, is better, smarter, more efficient...  I know that there is a belief that if kids only understand, they’ll be okay with what you say.  Sadly that is just plain wrong. 

This does make adult sense.  Kids don’t think like adults.  Kids need and actually want for you to know what is right and good and helpful and just teach it to them.  Guide, direct, teach. Explaining and explaining, clarifying, saying in other words has many downsides.

Firstly, kids turn off quite rapidly when you are doing it (often because they just get lost in the rational explanation) and secondly (this is really important for the future!), you teach your kids that if you use a lot of words and explain and explain, whatever it is becomes okay (because that is the kid understanding of your long explanation).   

You may be thinking how much you would have appreciated explanations when you were a kid.  If only my parents had told me why I should do this or not do that…But again, you are thinking this as an adult and like an adult.    

Kids need and want direction.  Really.  They are kids.  They don’t know stuff.  They depend on YOU to tell them what to do, when to do, how to do.  You are the parent.  It’s what is expected.

Here’s a little anecdote:  On a cold March day in New York city, a very intelligent and educated mother asked her daughter of 2.5 if she would like to put on her coat.  The little girl said no.  So the mom explained and explained articulately, thoughtfully, explaining the advantages of wearing a coat in the cold weather, the disadvantages of not wearing a coat in cold weather… and the girl kept on saying NO.  This was going nowhere.  I must admit to having intervened to tell the little girl she was wearing a coat, it was put on, and off we went.  Later I talked with the mother who told me that he daughter was two and a half and had opinions.  I told her that her daughter needed her to know things, to guide, direct, teach.  I explained that the burden to the child of expecting her know and decide that which she cannot know or decide is unfair and creates anxiety.  The mom understood.  I hope she has changed her way of dealing with her daughter.

Long, detailed, thoughtful, cogent explanations confuse little kids…and bigger kids.  

Say 50% of what you were planning to say, and you will have said twice as much.

What I Learned From the Keynote Speaker

By: Robert Schmidt, M.A.

I was at a mental health agency event in Massachusetts last week where I heard a wonderful keynote speaker who really got my mind thinking about how therapy is supposed to work. This guy shared a really heartfelt story about his difficult childhood in Chicago and his process of change through treatment. 

He’s now working in the mental health field and making a pretty significant impact on his community. He’s is also starting on his doctoral work in the fall. He provided a great example of how therapy can make all the difference for people. When he was done sharing the story someone asked him to describe his therapist, and his reaction was funny: he kind of froze. All he could say about her was that she was very short. He made a joke about it and it seemed to satisfy the person who asked the question but I thought that was really amazing. Here’s this guy who is without question a different/better person because of treatment experience he had when he was young, and yet it was almost impossible for him to talk about the person who helped him make that change or what they did with him to make that change happen.

I think this is a fairly common phenomenon. People don’t always know what it is that their therapists do for them even though they want to give the therapists credit for the positive changes they experience. I think in the case of this keynote speaker, his inability to put a finger on his therapist’s approach was because his treatment process was fairly extensive and he could not have given a sincere answer to a question like “what was the one thing your therapist did that made you?... 

Those sorts of questions are built on false premises. To think that recovery comes from a single moment or a single relationship or a single critical realization is in most cases an oversimplification. We hear all kinds of stories like that on tv or in books but I don’t think they’re genuine. 

I don’t think many people have their minds changed forever by a single moment. Instead, I think that mental health/recovery/change comes from when major realizations get piled on top of one another and tested out in lived experience over time. I think that’s why 28 day rehabs rarely help people, they just don’t allow enough time for recovery to take root.

I like to think of my own recovery as the sum total of the contributions made by many people over a long period of time, and I enjoy thinking about the contributions that each of them made.  I have a file cabinet in my mind of people who were instrumental in my early recovery. It seems to me like each of them just showed up at different times and added different ingredients to the stew that I am now. I’m so glad that I met all of them and that I was given enough time in treatment for each of them to pass through it with me. 

I would encourage anybody who has a loved one in treatment to have as much patience as possible and to encourage their loved one to commit some time to the process, because it doesn’t really get better all at once, that’s not realistic. 

Defining Recovery

By: Robert Schmidt, M.A.

What do we mean when we use the word “recovery” in regards to substance abuse rehabilitation? Generally speaking, this word suggests something different than words like “sobriety” or “abstinence” do. Saying that an individual is in recovery usually implies that he or she is actively working some solution based program to help them heal. This underscores an important distinction between those who abstain and create new lives as a result and those who abstain and become “dry drunks.”

There are dry drunks in AA. These are people who quit using alcohol, yet continue to behave as if they are still actively drinking. Alcoholic behavior includes more than just drinking alcohol. It includes: lying, stealing, cheating, moodiness, laziness and various sundry other forms of overall nastiness. 

My tennis coach in college always used to shout “recover back to the middle” after I or a teammate would be forced by an opponent to chase a ball out wide.  I think this use of the word really gets at the heart of what is meant by “recovery” in substance abuse parlance. To recover back to the center of the court is to regain a previously held position of strength: and for our purposes, recovery from addiction is the same. An individual who is recovering from addiction is working to regain the things that have been lost or sacrificed in their selfish (hopeless) pursuit of satiation during their time as an active addict.   

So, what is it that addicts must recover? Relationships come to mind immediately. As do economic and legal viability, but that only covers the external features of addiction and recovery. What about the internal cost of addiction? What is it that needs to be recovered intrapersonally? 

As the cycles of addictive behavior become repetitive and automatic, individuals caught up inside these cycles’ losses a portion of their ability to exercise free will. In response to this they develop justifications for the behaviors, attempting to soften the impact of demoralization that comes from loss of control. Two things happen at the same time: there is a loss of governance over both behavior and thinking. 

I don’t know what an individual is beyond their thoughts and behaviors. To lose those things is to become something else; to lose your humanity. 

It is devastating for family members to look at their loved ones and see someone other than who they know and care about. This is what happens with addiction: it becomes like a shell that covers over the person. There is an individual encased inside, and that is what needs to be recovered. 

One Extra Moment

By: Carol Maxym, Ph.D.

I just finished writing a blog on boundaries.  I finished it by suggesting that when you have a moment—waiting at a red light, caught in traffic, on hold on the phone were some good times to think about your boundaries.  And I stand by that.  

But here’s what I thought next:  What I said about finding the moment in between busy-nesses probably describes a lot of your life.  And that is something to notice, perhaps an issue, maybe a problem.  Harassed people are never at their best, harassed parents are most definitely stressed, beleaguered—well, not at your best.  When your life really and truly is about finding moments in between moments to think about important matters, that makes life tough.  It makes mothering and fathering tough.

It doesn’t matter if you are a stay-at-home mom or dad or one who works or works two jobs, being rushed makes life feel chaotic because being in a constant hurry creates stress which creates chaos which creates stress.  Possibly it makes you feel that you don’t or can’t give enough thought to what your are doing as you mother or father.  And I imagine you are now thinking something like, “Well, yes.  Thanks for noticing.  I thought you were here to help, to give some tips, some advice.”  Yes, I am.  At least I try. It is the goal.  

Firstly, I think it is helpful to notice what goes on in your world.  To notice actively, not just try to keep the motion going or having it just keep going because it doesn’t stop.  Noticing is important.  Deep breath.  Notice what is going on around you.  Force yourself to slow down—even if only for a minute or two and notice.  In the rush of everyday life, it is so easy to lose track, to forget to notice with a moment’s distance.  Then there is noticing how you feel, how your day’s events, conversations, emotional collisions, emotional caresses. It isn’t necessary to analyze or interpret each and every event, conversation, collision, and caress.  Sometimes just noticing it, then running it through your mind (thinking about it) without any judgment at all.  Just noticing.  

Here is the next tip: Stop micromanaging your child(ren)’s life/lives.  You are the mom or the dad.  That does not make you in charge of providing complete happiness and satisfaction on a path to ultimate success at all times.  It does not make you the one to take care of everything in your child’s life so he/she won’t be unhappy now or later.  It doesn’t make you homework monitor.  It doesn’t make you overseer of everything your child eats or drinks or wants.  It doesn’t make you the one to prevent all bad things from happening all the time.  That is NOT the role of a parent.  Micromanaging is bad for you.  It is more dangerous for your child because he/she isn’t learning how to manage his/her own life.

There are certainly many ways in which we are all more busy than we were five years ago or a decade ago.  I’m not sure we are busier than most people were a century ago (when there were many fewer conveniences in life or in homes).  I grant that our expectations of ourselves are more.  Our expectations of our kids are more.  They have more activities, more needs, more problems to be solved…or do they?  Must they?  Are they and you benefitting from the more?

Quite possibly you are thinking something like, “But of course they must go here and do that!”  Must they?  Then you think, “Well, if she isn’t at ballet, she’s on Instagram.”  H’mmm, now that is a problem.  Greater busy-ness may help, but doesn’t solve it.

But let’s be clear about the core of the problem.  Being busy isn’t a moral value.  It’s just busy.  Being connected to some number of people isn’t an ethical statement.  It’s just busy.

Where can you intervene?  Think about real needs and created needs.  Being in contact with others all day (and night) every day and night is not a need.  It is a created need.  Having everything managed in your child’s life is not a need. It is a created need.  The more needs you create or allow to be created around you, the more you are likely to fall into micromanaging.

How will your children manage if you don’t micromanage their lives?  Perhaps the more pertinent question is how will you manage if you don’t micromanage their lives?

Think about it.