Explanations

By: Carol Maxym, Ph.D.

I know that lots of experts tell you to explain to your child what you are doing to prove that it makes sense, is better, smarter, more efficient...  I know that there is a belief that if kids only understand, they’ll be okay with what you say.  Sadly that is just plain wrong. 

This does make adult sense.  Kids don’t think like adults.  Kids need and actually want for you to know what is right and good and helpful and just teach it to them.  Guide, direct, teach. Explaining and explaining, clarifying, saying in other words has many downsides.

Firstly, kids turn off quite rapidly when you are doing it (often because they just get lost in the rational explanation) and secondly (this is really important for the future!), you teach your kids that if you use a lot of words and explain and explain, whatever it is becomes okay (because that is the kid understanding of your long explanation).   

You may be thinking how much you would have appreciated explanations when you were a kid.  If only my parents had told me why I should do this or not do that…But again, you are thinking this as an adult and like an adult.    

Kids need and want direction.  Really.  They are kids.  They don’t know stuff.  They depend on YOU to tell them what to do, when to do, how to do.  You are the parent.  It’s what is expected.

Here’s a little anecdote:  On a cold March day in New York city, a very intelligent and educated mother asked her daughter of 2.5 if she would like to put on her coat.  The little girl said no.  So the mom explained and explained articulately, thoughtfully, explaining the advantages of wearing a coat in the cold weather, the disadvantages of not wearing a coat in cold weather… and the girl kept on saying NO.  This was going nowhere.  I must admit to having intervened to tell the little girl she was wearing a coat, it was put on, and off we went.  Later I talked with the mother who told me that he daughter was two and a half and had opinions.  I told her that her daughter needed her to know things, to guide, direct, teach.  I explained that the burden to the child of expecting her know and decide that which she cannot know or decide is unfair and creates anxiety.  The mom understood.  I hope she has changed her way of dealing with her daughter.

Long, detailed, thoughtful, cogent explanations confuse little kids…and bigger kids.  

Say 50% of what you were planning to say, and you will have said twice as much.