By: Carol Maxym, Ph.D.
I just finished writing a blog on boundaries. I finished it by suggesting that when you have a moment—waiting at a red light, caught in traffic, on hold on the phone were some good times to think about your boundaries. And I stand by that.
But here’s what I thought next: What I said about finding the moment in between busy-nesses probably describes a lot of your life. And that is something to notice, perhaps an issue, maybe a problem. Harassed people are never at their best, harassed parents are most definitely stressed, beleaguered—well, not at your best. When your life really and truly is about finding moments in between moments to think about important matters, that makes life tough. It makes mothering and fathering tough.
It doesn’t matter if you are a stay-at-home mom or dad or one who works or works two jobs, being rushed makes life feel chaotic because being in a constant hurry creates stress which creates chaos which creates stress. Possibly it makes you feel that you don’t or can’t give enough thought to what your are doing as you mother or father. And I imagine you are now thinking something like, “Well, yes. Thanks for noticing. I thought you were here to help, to give some tips, some advice.” Yes, I am. At least I try. It is the goal.
Firstly, I think it is helpful to notice what goes on in your world. To notice actively, not just try to keep the motion going or having it just keep going because it doesn’t stop. Noticing is important. Deep breath. Notice what is going on around you. Force yourself to slow down—even if only for a minute or two and notice. In the rush of everyday life, it is so easy to lose track, to forget to notice with a moment’s distance. Then there is noticing how you feel, how your day’s events, conversations, emotional collisions, emotional caresses. It isn’t necessary to analyze or interpret each and every event, conversation, collision, and caress. Sometimes just noticing it, then running it through your mind (thinking about it) without any judgment at all. Just noticing.
Here is the next tip: Stop micromanaging your child(ren)’s life/lives. You are the mom or the dad. That does not make you in charge of providing complete happiness and satisfaction on a path to ultimate success at all times. It does not make you the one to take care of everything in your child’s life so he/she won’t be unhappy now or later. It doesn’t make you homework monitor. It doesn’t make you overseer of everything your child eats or drinks or wants. It doesn’t make you the one to prevent all bad things from happening all the time. That is NOT the role of a parent. Micromanaging is bad for you. It is more dangerous for your child because he/she isn’t learning how to manage his/her own life.
There are certainly many ways in which we are all more busy than we were five years ago or a decade ago. I’m not sure we are busier than most people were a century ago (when there were many fewer conveniences in life or in homes). I grant that our expectations of ourselves are more. Our expectations of our kids are more. They have more activities, more needs, more problems to be solved…or do they? Must they? Are they and you benefitting from the more?
Quite possibly you are thinking something like, “But of course they must go here and do that!” Must they? Then you think, “Well, if she isn’t at ballet, she’s on Instagram.” H’mmm, now that is a problem. Greater busy-ness may help, but doesn’t solve it.
But let’s be clear about the core of the problem. Being busy isn’t a moral value. It’s just busy. Being connected to some number of people isn’t an ethical statement. It’s just busy.
Where can you intervene? Think about real needs and created needs. Being in contact with others all day (and night) every day and night is not a need. It is a created need. Having everything managed in your child’s life is not a need. It is a created need. The more needs you create or allow to be created around you, the more you are likely to fall into micromanaging.
How will your children manage if you don’t micromanage their lives? Perhaps the more pertinent question is how will you manage if you don’t micromanage their lives?
Think about it.
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